I'm prophesying doom and gloom for a certain group of people. Stay tuned.

Brian and I did a really hard work out tonight at the gym. I was really proud of how big my chest was tonight, hehehe and my arms. To bad the effect goes away once the blood settles back down. hehehe but it was cool. Brian's getting so beefy hot. Can't wait for our cruise now. OH YEAH, we don't need to get a passport now. I'm fine with that. Shallow reasons for working out, but I have three goals. Look good for the cruise, be able to take my shirt off for pride (barring the weather), and not feel bad at the beach (if we go this year). Thus there you have it.

enjoy, and I'd like to thank my good friend Drew for telling me about www.djearworm.com great mix of songs.

I'm off, it's monday, and none of the goals, well except one has been accomplished, damn my lethargy.

Eekknok was a minor god from the previous universe. When the big collapse started in the old universe he became one with the new singularity. Everything became him in the singularity, and with the big band Eekknok was spread out in all directions becoming the universe. Eekknok was alone, and board with just a universe of heat and light. He started spinning himself tighter and tighter until his matter condensed so greatly that it collapsed in on itself, and formed Jabis the great black hole, and his brother Buetoen "gravity". Eventually Buetoen swirled more Eekknok together and formed the stars who are Uchla. From Uchla came his children the Sietzen. As Eekknok the universe became larger he used the Sietzen as his messengers. Seven colors of light, radiation, and radio waves that spread out into that which is Eekknok.

More to come.

I love all of those VH1 show's about loving the 70's, 80's, and today I spent almost all day watching I LOVE the 90's.
It all came back to me when I saw 93, the year I graduated from High school. Wow, why didn't the spice girls stay together. Oh, that and today I found out how horrible Van Helsig the movie is. MMM BOP dub ah bop MMM BOP

I've just had the worst dream of my life. It was almost like a movie. I kept having all these flashbacks to all the good times in my life with Brian knowing that he'd passed away, and near the end of the dream it became more concrete when I was talking to a friend, because he said "I'm sorry, I heard about what happened to Brian" (no the dream didn't say what happened). I responded that it hadn't hit me yet, because I wasn't sad, or crying, till my mom came into the dream and asked me if I was ok. Then I started bursting into tears, and asking her what I was going to do now with my life. But the odd thing is it still wasn't that dramatic. When I woke up though I was scared out of my mind, thank god Brian woke up earlier then me and went out on an errand, hehehee so I have no one to console me but live journal. The dream disturbs me in two ways, don't want Brian to die, he's become the pillar of my life, and the other thing is my lack of deep conscious response in the dream. Maybe it is me, or maybe it's just the fact that I have fucked up dreams. The dream before this one had me watching a cartoon rerun that I'm sure never existed about chocolate powered child adventurers. Who knows, I'm not Freud.

I've become addicted to routine, madonna, and Ice tea (specifically the kind no one else likes). I have all these big plans and dreams, but so far I haven't started on any of them. What's up with that. Well at least working out has been a part of that routine too. Need to make art that too.

OH, need to make friends and family a part of my life again too. So you bitches out there, Halar Back.
LOL I think the sun on the back of my neck is having adverse effects on me.

Must check for spelling mistakes.

Brian and I saw Brokeback Mountain, or as Brian keeps calling it, Bareback Mountain thursday night. Stirring movie, enough so to make me cry. On the ride home I asked Brian to "officially" marry me. Brian now thinks he should take me to see more emotional films. We've been talking about it for a long time. Now comes the planning part. I don't want anything traditional. I was thinking large hall, in the round, rotating dias. Large sheer draperies hanging from the ceiling, while hidden fans made them sway as if in a cool breeze. The music, would have to be something more stirring for me, like the "Bacchanal", and "Jupiter" from the planets. Then we'd have a buffet of assorted foods and delights. For a cake, I want what a friend once had, it was a cake that tasted like sugar cookies. I wonder is that's just from adding more vanilla extract. But still, it'll be big. Lots of planning to do. Yesterday our new appliances arrived, and now we have a new, and efficient kitchen. Clean will come later. Didn't take em long to install the new dishwasher ether. Today we're cleaning a bit, and my diarrhea seems to be gone now. Enough of it came out, you'd think it was over. Hope I'm not dehydrated now, it was the liquid kind. Tonight we party with friends, Have a happy New Years everybody. Kisses!

I'm not sure when it started, probably a culmination of things. My clinical depression has flared up something horrible right now, and I can't control it, can't even sleep. So I'm doing the next best thing. I'm writing down my emotional state. I guess it started with our house guest. He's more attractive then I am, more educated, younger, and a better future ahead of him. That's just brought the envy in me, and it's making my other mood swings go wild too. So what do I do in response, I go on this sort of reved up aggressional response. When he's gone, I'll probably bad mouth him to make myself feel justified, but the logic side of my brain knows it's just a cover up. I'll probably have one of those dreams again where I can't even finish high school cause I can't get it together and pass. Obvious mirror into the fact that my greatest nightmare is having never finished college. Some times I don't know what Brian sees in me. I have absolutely no great money making potential,no time management, no self esteem, and my sagging popularity is bring him down among his friends. I love him, and he's the best thing that's happened in my life, I'm probably not the best thing to happen to him, but sometimes I don't think he knows who I am, and I wish he would stop lording his perfectness over me, and I can't help but think he's jealous of my grandmother. "I never see you cry!" I cry all the time, usually I do it on me own, and when I'm not crying over him, it's always about my grandmother. She touched ever aspect of my life. She was my champion when I was coming out, totally disregarding her own belief system so she could love me that much more. I've also been crying whenever I hear the cartoon song "Santa We Need You" from The Night Before Christmas. It always makes me think of her. She would call us up to tell us what holiday specials were coming on, she baked, she decorated, and she didn't have much, but she gave me everything she could to make me feel happy. It's hard to let that go, and sometimes I don't think Brian or most of my ex's understand that, well except Ernie. He was there when she died, and he saw the kind of pain that I was in. See I'm crying now. I also wish Brian would stop expecting me to be perfect. I never will be. I make messes, and eventually I do clean them up. Yes I flirt, and tease with my friends, but that does not mean I'm cheating just because my last relationship was an open one. It hurts, specially since I can't control my own paranoia sometimes. How do I know that the pair of shorts he says where part of packaging for a book off of amazon (that I've never seen) weren't really from some guy he had over. The point is, I don't know, but I trust him with my heart, and I wish he'd trust me. Granted, yes that's his pet peeve term from me, I have been caught lying, can't stop being so secretive. But I know he'll never trust me, even if I hadn't of lied, and I still haven't cheated on him though, remember that part. But I'm in love, and this may hurt, but in the end, this is all meaningless without him. It's almost 3am, and I have too much nervous energy to sleep. This isn't even half the stuff I was thinking of typing on the toilet. Sometimes I cry because I'm sad, but not in front of others. Sometimes I'm mad because I'm not perfect, and it frustrates me because I want to be, and don't want to be at the same time. Lord have mercy I need to wrap this pity party up. Sorry for the preaching folks. Someday; I'll make it, run away, or die young at my own hands. Till then, I have Brian to love me, and keep me mildly sane.

Reporting in from NY. Brian and I have made it, and hopefully tomorrow will be a great day of shopping. That and I'm hoping to get my christmas cards sent out from the Brooklyn post office again. Here's hoping.